A much better version of Born this Way
by Crack is a Hell of a Drug
Summary: A version of Born this Way by Jellyxtimexbby that you can actually read!


**Just kidding. There is seriously no way to make this story better or even put funny logical twist to it as I had done with Sumbody 2 Luv.**

**Violet Buttercup Symphony-Sparrow belongs to Jellyxtimexbb. **

**So now for something completely different. **

**I am renaming this story to: It came from the Blackness. **

Jack Sparrow lived in a time and world where magic was real. Anything was possible, including living forever. He was constantly on a quest for immortality that always ended in calamity…hilarious and adventurous calamity but calamity all the same. He seemed to be born under a lucky star because through all his adventures he always made it out relatively unscathed. Even when he was killed he was brought back with nary a scratch on him.

Jack's luck would be tested.

It came from the Blackness, the dark void of emptiness that humans were instinctual afraid of and hated. It is where the evilness of man comes from. The kind of evil that causes men to talk in the theater or type in alternating capitalization LiKe tHiS.

The entity had no civility and no respect for human intelligence. In fact it seemed to hate human intelligence so much that it called itself: Violet Buttercup Symphony-Sparrow.

Jack was on his ship, the Black Pearl, doing pirate-y things. Mostly trying to figure out three things: 1) Where to get rum 2) how to become immortal and 3) how to get more rum.

He was out at sea, his favorite place to be other than the brothel.

He would soon come to regret his promiscuous ways.

Violet appeared on board like a randomly and poorly placed Mary-Sue. Jack was startled because from the look of her, it was obvious she was some kind of vagrant and that was saying something coming from Jack Sparrow whose breath could render someone unconscious.

She had a crazed look in her bloodshot eyes and a manic smile.

"Oh daddybitch, how I love you! Mommybitch threw me out because she said I kept spelling turquoise as "turqwoise" which I totally think is the correct way to spell it. My name is Violet and turqwoise is a fancy way to say turqwoise. I might have meant a fancy way to say Violet but I'm too dumb to proofread any of my work so that will have to remain a mystery."

The Captain of the Black Pearl looked dumb founded because he had never come across someone so idiotic.

"What the hell is a daddybitch and a mommybitch?" Jack asked the creature. He slightly wondered if Tia Dalma was fucking with him again. They so liked to play these little games. Tia Dalma thought it was a form of flirtation. Jack valued his life so he usually played along but the thing in front of him was going too far!

"Duh, it means you're my daddy! I'm Violet Buttercup Symphony-Sparrow."

A cold chill overcame Jack as the beast from the darkness and vacuum of grammar told him he was its father. Due to all of his conquests from port to port, not all them quite human, he was very scared that the creature might be right. He had never heard of such a stupid name and he hated the sound of his name attached to her name. What vile insipid creature could have come up with something so asinine?

The utter shame that something so dumb could come from his loins made him wretch overboard. All his years as a pirate and on ships he had never gotten sea sick but thinking he was related to that mongoloid twisted his stomach.

Suddenly immortality didn't seem so appealing and he contemplated voluntarily going to Davy Jones's locker. As he looked over the edge of his boat and was ready to welcome his watery death, a squid like creature came from the sea.

Being Jack Sparrow he was not so surprised to see such a creature as most others would have been. A tall, grey blue humanoid being with a huge head, red eyes, and a brown polo would have baffled most people. It was just another day at sea for Jack Sparrow.

"'ello?"

Jack hoped to the gods it wasn't another thing claiming to be his offspring.

"I'm Squidward Tentacles. I've come to vanquish the abomination!"

The squid creature pointed a pistol at Violet. She was making some kind of braying donky noise that Jack could only assume meant she was scared.

"Oh thank the gods!" Jack shouted. His nightmare was about to be over.

"Don't shoot me bitch!" Violet screamed.

"Neptune sends his regards." Squidward said in his most menacing voice. The one he usually reserved for Spongebob whenever the yellow square was doing something annoying and cheerful.

Squidward's shot rang out across the ship and none of Jack's crew had come and helped. Apparently mythical sea creatures coming after Jack happened so often they ignored these little squabbles.

Violet had fallen down and Jack winced at her wounds. The squid had shot her right between where her legs met.

"Oww my balls!" Violet cried.

Jack winced even further.

"Mate, that's not cool. Never shoot the balls. No matter what the fight is about. It's pirate and guy code."

Squidward had the decency to look sheepish and blushed.

"Oh man. I didn't know she had balls! Why does she have balls? What sense does that make? I'm just a fast food cashier. I told Neptune I'm not cut out for this shit!"

"Why did the god of the sea send you?"

"I happened to be around and he hates Spongebob. Plus, look at that thing! Pink eyes? Give me a fucking break. POTC is not fucking anime! And have you heard her talk? It's nothing but nonsense and I can **hear** the misspelling in her voice, she's so dumb. She needs to be destroyed. I couldn't just stand by and let her continue to exist."

"Well it looks like she'll bleed to death on my boat and then I can push her over. Tally ho, good chap."

And with that, Squidward went back into the ocean to his Easter Island head under the sea.

Unfortunately Violet refused to die. She just kept shouting all night, asking for her "daddybitch" and making various non-sequiturs thinking she was being funny but she was really just being unoriginal and retarded.

The ship's doctor had no intention of helping her but she yelled at him to not touch her anyway. The crew really wanted to kill Violet themselves but her improper grammar and lack of syntax to her sentence structure made their ears bleed, so they couldn't get close enough to her to kill her.

When they finally reached land, they were all very disappointed that not only had she lived but she had miraculously recovered.

She would have explained how she healed but she doesn't believe in logical or linear flow to a story so it was something they had to live without knowing.

As they were packing their things, a white cock-eyed dove flew down to Violet and she immediately hugged the bird within an inch of its life. Jack understood why it looked so retarded; it's owner was the same way.

"Oh this is my pet dove, tipsy! Daddy Captain Jack Sparrow, could you please make the birdy magpie noises but be careful not to confuse tipsy or hell fall off his perch but it'd be ok if he did because he'd be all G."

Jack had no clue what the girl was babbling on about because nothing she said made anything close to making sense.

"Shush! I don't want anyone to know I might be your father. Then I'd really have to kill myself."

"Doesn't he have a cereal killer look in his eyes?" Violet asked.

Squidward was right, Violet was so dumb Jack could hear the misspelled "serial" in her voice.

"Why yes he does. He looks like he killed Captain Crunch and Count Chocula. Moron."

Jack briefly wondered how many other retarded children he might have running around.

All day Jack had tried to shake of Violet but she insisted on following him around. It was the most embarrassing day of his life when the dumbest girl in the world kept calling him "daddybitch" and then making incestuous remarks about how hot he was. It was super gross.

She also kept muttering about how Elizabeth and Barbossa had scurvy and that Jack had to help them. Then she went on about how James Beard was the hottest guy in pirate high school that she went to because she was half pirate because Jack was her father. Apparently she thought that James Beard thought she was hot but Jack thought that was the most incredulous thing she had said all day.

"As if any guy, especially a hot guy, would think a slag like you would be attractive. And even if you are attractive, your sheer stupidity would turn them off. Please sterilize yourself."

Jack could not believe how annoying the twat was being. He desperately checked his magical compass.

"What I want most in the world and a safe haven from this wretched creature!"

The compass did its duty and pointed him to a library.

"Of course. Its weakness is proper grammar and well written literature!"

He dashed towards the library and as he got closer he could tell that Violet was faltering. As soon as he passed the threshold, Violet stopped suddenly and wailed her disappointment.

"She can't pass the door because the sign above it is spelled correctly. She's allergic to correct spelling and the presence of intelligence." A voice said behind him.

It was Tia Dalma!

"Calypso, what are you doing here?"

"I'm here teh make tings right."

"What do you mean?"

He so called her being responsible for these shenanigans.

Calypso in Tia Dalma's form had a guilty look on her face and abashedly said.

"I might have made the horrible creature you see before you."

"What! Why would you do such a thing?"

Then something dawned on Jack.

"Oh thank the heavens she's not my kid!"

Tears burst from Jack's eyes from the overwhelming sense of joy he got from knowing his loins had not wrought such an abomination.

It was a while before Jack stopped blubbering praise and thanks.

When Jack finally collected himself, three days later, he asked again why Tia Dalma did such a thing.

"I was super high at the time. I was messing with Neptune and we were pounding back Boones Farm wine and things got out of hand. I had drunkenly turned into a stupid twat who couldn't spell and didn't know anything about grammar called Laura Paige. Then as Laura I proceeded to write one of the worst stories in the history of the world. It was so horrible that the stupidity of the story became sentient and manifested itself out of the Blackness. And that's what we have before you now."

"You've done some cruel things in this world Calypso but this is by far the worst."

"Yeah. That's my bad."

"Okay, how do I kill it?"

"Wit these." And she handed him three books: Merriam-Webster Dictionary, Merriam-Webster Thesaurus, and Writer's Ink. "Take them and defeat her with intelligence. It's the only weapon against stupidity.

Jack had to steady himself for the battle ahead. He looked to see what the creature was doing and he wished he hadn't.

Violet Buttercup Symphony-Sparrow was making out with her hand, slobbering all over it while calling it James Beard. Every so often she would shout at her hand, saying it was a bad kisser because "he" was drooling all over her it was gross.

"Jesus, how fucking high was Calypso to come up with something so fucked up?"

Jack then presented the books to the entity and she kept shying away from him, hissing in pain to be near the tomes. It was proving useless as he could never get close enough to her to defeat the monster.

He thought all hope was lost until Squidward and a yellow square spongy thing appeared before him.

"We're here to help you Jack!"

"And who is we?"

"Me and Spongebob…Neptune made me take him."

Since they both came from the sea, Jack knew that they were made by the sea god.

"Man, the gods come up with some fucked up shit."

He didn't refuse their help though. He tossed them a book each and was able to surround Violet. They had her trapped. She could not escape their circle of brainpower.

Like priests at an Exorcist, they began to read from the Writer's sacred tomes.

"Adverbs are words that modify everything but nouns and pronouns. They modify adjectives, verbs, and other adverbs!"

"Suicide is spelled s-u-i-c-i-d-e!"

"Homophones are words pronounced the same as another but differing in meaning, whether spelled the same way or not!"

"Coming is spelled c-o-m-i-n-g!"

"Good is spelled with two 'o's'"

"Quotation marks are the marks used to indicate the beginning and end of a quotation! They are to be used to distinct dialogue from the rest of the text."

"'Hot' as used for attractive-adorable, agreeable, alluring, beautiful, beckoning, bewitching, captivating, charming, comely, enchanting, engaging, enthralling, enticing, fair, fascinating, fetching, glamorous, good-looking, gorgeous, handsome, hunky, interesting, inviting, looker, lovely, luring, magnetic, mesmeric, pleasant, pleasing, prepossessing, pretty, provocative, seductive, stunning, taking, tantalizing, teasing, tempting, winning, and winsome."

"Capitalization is to be used at the beginning of a sentence or with proper nouns!"

With each rule or correct spelling, Violet grew weaker and weaker. She dissolved under the onslaught of correct grammar and punctuation. She was resilient though because it seemed like she was determined to stick around and be stupid.

Jack was becoming desperate and tried one last rule; one rule that would trump all other rules.

"'Text speak' is never an acceptable form of writing unless the characters are actually texting!"

With that damning proclamation, Violet was vanquished into dust.

There was peace in the Caribbean and all was right in the world.

Squidward and Spongebob went back into the sea to report back to Neptune. Spongebob's distinctive laughter rang through the sea. "Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh..."

Jack was happy and ready to get to pirating. When he got to the Black Pearl, he went straight to the Captain's quarters. What greeted him was the most beautiful sight he had ever beheld.

Bottles and bottles of rum lined the wall and two buxom females lay naked, also holding bottles of rum.

Jack saw a note sitting on his desk. It read

"_Once again, sorry about Violet. Hope this makes things right._

_Much Love,_

_Calypso_

_P.S. The females lactate rum as well. Have fun!"_

Jack quickly shed his clothes and could only sing his happy little tune as he started to enjoy the gift from the gods.

"Yo ho, yo ho. A pirate's life for me."

**A/N: Hope you guys like it!**


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